Feminist Dating: Level Hard

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Are you playing hard to get?

No, assface, I’m setting my boundaries and you’re disrespecting them.

This is how I see you

This is how I see you

My date who made some disparaging comments about overweight women, thoughtlessly called his bipolar friend crazy (“You know how selfish bipolar people are, it’s all about them all the time”), and attributed some personality traits to a certain ethnicity (“a white person would already be fired for such behavior”), leaned in for a kiss. I pulled back. He planted a kiss on my lips anyway.

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Got Consent? Part IV: Safer Play Parties

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Read Part I here

Read Part II here

Read Part III here

As I have been writing about, kink communities have a lot of problems with abuse, and a culture that has mirrored, rather than rejected, mainstream rape culture. So what can we do? Making kink communities safer starts, in part, with making our spaces safer. Over the years of attending and hosting parties, and talking with other consent activists and friends, I’ve developed a number of theories about how to make play parties better and safer. So last week, I decided to put all those ideas into practice in a very intentional way when my group house threw a play party. In this post, I’m going to talk about what we did, why we did it, how it turned out, and what we want to do differently next time.

I think there are lessons from this post are applicable to people who aren’t kinksters, too! Lots of spaces have problem with boundary violations. Dance scenes, for example. And while many details differ, I think some of techniques may be applicable (such as posting rules on the wall, and clearly designating support people).

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What we’re reading 5/18/13

Happy Saturday, Disruptors! Here’s what we’ve been reading and talking about with each other this week. Tell us what you’ve been reading in the comments!

And then there was light

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Thank you Bridie for introducing to us the imposing presence of the impostor syndrome.  I was very much inspired by your unveiling of the insidious illness and I would like to introduce my own ideas of how people can have another source of resistance against self-negativity.

I call it a secret weapon, a weapon that has been cultivated for centuries at the hands of the very enemies who were/are loudest in proclaiming that someone is insipid, useless, unable or inferior.  This weapon is a fathomless well of motivation and determination to prove all the nay-sayers wrong.  This well has catastrophic powers, with the possible consequences of pushing people to take a sledge hammer to the glass ceiling, stampede down road blocks to equal rights, catapult over exceptions and to take a sharpie to the official rule book.  

Rosie-the-Riveter

Now, what does this “well” (as I call it) have to do with the impostor, you may ask?  Think of it as yin and yang.  To every situation there is an equal and opposite force.  In this case, where there is a voice telling you that you can’t, there is also a voice declaring that you can.  When the impostor voice insists that you are not qualified, it feeds the well with reasons about why you are! (Besides that fact that you are a boss, of course).  We are all different.  For different people, perhaps this well isn’t gushing like Niagara Falls, but instead is the size of a raindrop.  Or perhaps, that person takes their inspiration or motivation from a different source.  My idea is just another illustration of where inspiration can spring and another way to visualize it.  (Metaphors rock!)  Also, I was raised specifically to think in terms of negative and positive energy.  These terms have been called many things, from karma, to luck, to a whole plethora of other descriptions of parts of the human experience that affects not only our outlook but how we view and feel things ourselves.

Let me tell you a story in order to make clear how this is especially true for me.

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One ring to bind them? How about two!

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Some facts before we get started: 1) I’m a man 2) I wear an engagement ring 3) Why is your face doing that thing?

I’m happy, but also surprised and confused…

Most of my previous relationships involved a lot of codependence, gendered chivalry, and emotional suppression – which have all become kind of relational norms for men – so the fact that there aren’t many things about my relationship with my fiancée that I would classify as “societally traditional” is an incredible relief for me. I’m grateful to have a partner who has encouraged me to question fundamental aspects of my personality and how I viewed relationships. I’m grateful to have a partner who has been an example for me to become more self-aware and more comfortable and eloquent about having and expressing my emotions, both negative and positive. And I am most grateful to her for introducing me to, and challenging me to internalize, the core ideas of feminism and the societal problems around gender and racial inequality. She’s been instrumental, not to mention infinitely kind and patient, in my evolution toward the man I’ve always wanted to be and can finally be proud of.

I’m grateful to be in love with someone who I can refer to as a “partner”.

Picture of maple syrup in various vessels

Sappiness alert!

Some of the most surprising things for people to comprehend, I’ve found, are the circumstances and details of our engagement so I’d like to talk about those things because I think they’re not only really cool for us but also what I wish modern relationship norms looked more like.
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Childcare matters for feminists, for everyone

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It’s high time we talked a bit about childcare, both in terms of its importance for parents who want or need to work, and with regards to the value of childcare workers. It’s a matter of great importance for families, for women’s economic participation, and for the good of society.

I teach at a school that prepares students for the GED. I promise this has to do with childcare; bear with me. The students who comes to our school face challenges that aren’t supported by normal high schools. Many are immigrants learning in a second language, have experienced or are experiencing homelessness, have IEPs (edu-talk for having special educational needs like a learning disability or emotional trauma)…and many are young parents. Our program offers free care during school hours for the children of students.

At each graduation we give one GED passer the chance to deliver a speech. They’re always inspiring, but the speech given by Z, a warm, hardworking, intelligent former student of mine, will always stand out to me because of how clearly she identified the determining factor in her education. She said:

Cuando vine [de El Salvador] a los 16 años de edad, viajé yo sola. No tenía ni a papi ni a mami. Eso me costó mi educación porque tuve que optar por trabajar. Luego de un tiempo me casé y tengo una nena aquí quien es mi nueva familia junto con mi esposo. Me sentía desesperada porque no tenía aún mi secundaria…[Esta] es una escuela completa para ayudar a los estudiantes que piensan que por tener una familia es imposible prepararse. Quiero decirles que no es así, que si te lo propones puedes conseguir tus aspiraciones.

When I came [from El Salvador] at 16 years old, I traveled alone. I had neither my dad nor my mom. This cost me my education, because I had to opt to work. After a time I married, and I have a child here who, along with my husband, is my new family. I felt hopeless because I didn’t have even my high school degree…[This] is a complete school for helping the students who think that having a family means it’s impossible to further your education. I want to tell you that that’s not true, that yes, you can follow your aspirations.

Z isn’t alone in depending on childcare to pursue her life goals. Many parents, young or otherwise, face the tragic reality that without access to childcare, their aspirations remain beyond their grasp. Since women are more likely to be saddled with childcare responsibilities, we are the ones whose dreams pass beyond reach when childcare is too expensive, unavailable, or of dangerously low quality.

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Growing up Naïve (part 2)

This post is a follow-up to “Calling out Myself,” where I introduce the Indian Princesses and other prevalent stereotypes of American Indians. This post goes into more of the history and controversy that led to the YMCA changing the name of the program. The first post can be read here.

Like many “progressive” movements of the early 20th century, from 1926 to 2002, the Young Men’s Christian Association (YMCA) sponsored a program of fake American Indian ceremony to promote Americanism and channel the boundless energy of young boys into respect for nature and authority. Y-Indian Princesses and Guides quickly grew away from Native spirituality, replacing it with stereotypes such as war whoops and beaded fringe.

Pocahontas doesn't understand what appropriating her culture has to do with family bonding.

Pocahontas doesn’t understand what appropriating her culture has to do with family bonding.

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Overcoming Impostor Syndrome

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Hello, friends!

It’s so wonderful to see you. You look great! Did you get a haircut?

But I’m getting distracted. Friends, I want to talk to you about this great video I just watched.

If you’ve got fifteen minutes, watch this with your eyeballs. It’s pretty wonderful.

It’s a TedX talk by Tanya Geisler about “Impostor Syndrome.” You know – that feeling that you’ve somehow faked your way into every success you’ve ever had? That any minute now, someone is going to look at you and realize that you have no idea what you’re doing and that you’re not even supposed to be here, and everything is going to come crashing down?

Yeah, that one. It’s a terrible sort of anxiety, isn’t it? It makes us unwilling to speak up, even if we’re sure we know the answer. It makes us reluctant to throw ourselves into projects, to go after the things that we really, really want. About 50% of my self-sabotage is a result of Impostor Syndrome.

We’ve all felt it, I bet. Especially you friends who are women. Odds are you feel like this, well, pretty much all the time.

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What we’re reading 5/11/13

Hello there, Disruptors! It’s so good to see you again. How are you? I hope you’re having a lovely weekend. Well, enough chit chat; here’s what we’ve been reading and sharing with each other for the past seven days. We’re also very interested in the things you’ve been reading or writing! Please share them in the comments.

Have Boobs — Will Travel Anyway

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Tomorrow, I’m boarding a plane to Europe. It’s a reunion of sorts—my family is spread out on different parts of the globe and we’re converging in the middle for a week of museums, food, and booze-hunting. I kind of forgot about it until four days ago, when I realized that I needed to start doing laundry.

As I haphazardly threw my dirty laundry in to the washing machine, I started getting excited, thinking of all of the fiscally irresponsible overnight trips I wanted to take by myself. I could go to Prague! I could have breakfast in Berlin and lunch in Poland!

Fun fact: when I finally saw Eurotrip at age 23, my adolescent experience made SO MUCH MORE SENSE.

Exactly!

Then, my usual second thoughts reared their ugly heads.

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